Talking to kids about Consent
In light of the most recent news related to the #MeToo Movement and Harvey Weinstein (https://www.cbc.ca/news/entertainment/harvey-weinstein-verdict-metoo-1.5474706), I feel compelled to talk about how adults can address the topic of consent to kids of all different ages. In my Approachable Adult workshops parents often seek assistance around approaching the topic of consent to their kids.
I don’t intend to scare folks out there, but the fact is that 1 out of every 4 girls/women will experience sexualized violence at some point in their life. This number increases for Indigenous girls/women and/or girls/women who live in poverty, and the LGBTQ2 population. It is estimated that approximately 1 out of 6-8 boys/men will experience sexualized violence at some point in their life. This is a lot. My hope is that the #MeToo Movement and the movement towards gender equality will change these stats.
On a more optimistic note I do believe that parents/caregivers, health care providers, and teachers have quite a lot of power in teaching and guiding children towards prevention of sexualized violence and understanding how consent looks like. Let’s start with the younger kids and move gradually to high school kids:
Preschool to Grade 3 – kids at this age really need to know the correct names of all their body parts, including private parts (genitalia). They also need to understand why private parts are private and that nobody touches private parts, go into or on top of private parts. Only they themselves can touch their private parts in private (this is a whole other topic). The only exceptions may be when a caregiver cleans genitals during bath time or toileting or in the case of a visit with a health care provider. The third concept important to understand for these kiddos is types of touch and boundaries. There’s two types of touch: healthy touch and unwanted touch. It’s important to think about what you consider to be healthy touch and unwanted touch and then discuss with the kids that are in your care and guide appropriately.
Puberty to Middle School (Grade 3ish to Grade 8) – the same concepts apply to this age group as with the younger kids, except if you haven’t been using the scientific terms already and start now, kids might feel more squeamish. That is OKAY. This is perfectly normal! And even if you have been using the scientific terms for private parts, the kids still might respond with “gross.” Again, this is a normal developmental part of them growing up. Their bodies are changing and this response has more to do with their physical, mental and social developmental changes. (Again, a whole other topic).
Since socializing is a big part of their life, the topic of healthy relationships becomes very important. Modelling healthy relationships in your family, in the schools, in health care … are all easy ways to do this. As well, exploring with the kids in your life what if … situations. What would you do if (somebody asked you to kiss them and you didn’t want to? … or remove your clothes if you didn’t want to? … or perform fellatio (penis on mouth)? Some folks believe that when you insert a thought into a child’s mind, they will go off and try it. This is not true. Most kids aren’t ready to be sexually active at this age, and if they are, they most likely are looking for love in the wrong places. However, these types of situations do happen unfortunately, and when kids are prepared to deal with these unwanted situations, then it’s more likely that these unwanted situations can be prevented. As well, it gives caregivers and kids a chance to compare values around the topic of sexuality. Some parents follow more of an experiential philosophy and prefer kids come to them with their questions. In this case, explore what if situations with a co-caregiver and compare scenario answers with each other and decide on a “best” answer in case your child does come to you with their questions.
If uncertain how to deal with these questions yourself there’s many resources in the Squamish and Whistler Public Libraries. Also, there’s the SEX SENSE line: Dial 1-800-SEX-SENSE line, and the friendly folks on the phone are always happy to help Monday to Friday 9am-9pm. Booking a sexual health educator is also a great idea! I teach sexual health education in the schools, community health centers and I can also teach in family homes. Check out my website for more details: www.sacredlearningspace.ca.
Highschool – all the same concepts apply here as above, but also discussing the actual concept of consenting to sexual activity becomes important. Most youth in high school are not having sex, but for the 20% who are, they are between the ages of 15 and 16 (McReary Report, 2019). https://www.mcs.bc.ca/pdf/balance_and_connection.pdf. The McReary Report summarizes the results of the BC Adolescent Health Survey … see website for more info.
The idea around talking about consent is to help guide kids to understanding how consent looks like and how it feels like, and to understand the concept of emotionally readiness for sexual activity/intercourse with another consenting person. As caregivers, think about your own values around sexual activity, and compare that to the values of the teenager you are caring for now. If you are to present to your teenager that the only acceptable action is no sex at all, then the doors to being an approachable adult may close if the teenage child has different values than yours. The key to being an approachable adult is to listen. Ask appropriate questions to determine the values of the teen, and refrain from judgment. If what you hear is making your blood boil, take a moment, leave the room and put on the non-judgment hat. Be honest with yourself, too. For some folks this can be extremely difficult. Assist your teen to find an Approachable Adult that they can talk to that you know will ensure safe guidance.
The difficult part is determining the values teens hold around consensual sexual activity. In a recent survey of high school kids, I asked if safety or pleasure was more important for them to understand around the concept of sex. Approximately 80% chose safety (how to prevent STIs was the biggest concern). It certainly is very important to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancies, but I would argue that consent and pleasure go hand in hand. Although wrapping your head around sexual pleasure for teens is a difficult task (since teens have been told for ages that they just shouldn’t have sex), it is an essential part of preventing sexual abuse and sexual assault, (and unwanted pregnancies and STIs). When a person cares about the sexual pleasure of their partner, non-consenting sexual activity is less likely to be an issue in the relationship.
How can we possibly teach consent to teens? An activity that I bring to the high schools is a consenting to chocolate activity. There are many rules, just like there are many rules when engaging in consensual sexual activity. I won’t discuss all the rules here, but an important rule to talk about is the effects of alcohol/drugs. It is not possible to consent consciously to sexual activity when under the influence of alcohol/drugs. When discussing the influence of drugs/alcohol in the cases of sexual assaults that BC Women’s Sexual Assault Service have been involved in, 80% of victims were under the influence. In VGH Emergency we triage patients who have been involved in sexual assaults. There seems to be an increase of sexual assaults during Frosh week (first week of University) and end of school year.
In continuing with the content of the activity, participating students have to all choose the same chocolate (fruit/veg can also be used), which requires a lot of questions before eating the chocolate. Once the first bite has been taken, a check-in is required to make sure the chocolate tastes as good as it looked. If chocolate is not your thing, you can do the same with picking a restaurant, pizza, or movies. Anything that is a shared activity can be a great way to practice consent and to learn a little bit about how a teenage might consent to sexual activity one day.
Another important piece to explore and explain to teens is the concept of sexual exploitation. Folks who are in a position of power, such as Howard Weinstein, may use their power over folks who seem powerless to engage in non-consensual sexual activity. This case is actually a good time to bring up this topic with your teen now. Exploring teens thoughts and values through a safe space such as media and current news is a great way to assist your teen in guiding them though what if situations … what if you were an actress and Howard Weinstein wanted to see you alone … what would your teen do? How would you advise?
If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me. If you would like to book a workshop on Body Science and Boundaries, Healthy Relationships, or Consent please feel free to email me at mary@sacredlearningspace.ca or book online at www.sacredlearningspace.ca.