I had plans to blog every month, and then Corona Virus hit.

I had plans to blog every month, and then Corona Virus hit.

Just like most of you folks, I felt very vulnerable.  Alongside being a sexual health educator, I am an Emergency Nurse, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend ….  I had to figure out how to feel calm in the storm so that I could go to work, be a mother to my 4 year old child without making the world feel scary (even though I was quite scared ), and be a support to my husband as he supports me. 

Well I learned a lot over this last year.  I learned a lot about intimacy, about vulnerability and having confidence in the story I tell myself and to my child.  What story was I going to tell my 4 year old about the Corona Virus.  Will I be truthful about this pandemic and tell him every detail that I was being told about this pandemic?  Will I let him ask the questions first and follow more of an experiential model of parenting?  And how is this all related to sex anyway?  In my Approachable Adult workshops I begin by talking about intimacy.  Without intimacy a rich relationship cannot be established and therefore trust can never really be truly achieved.  Without trust, vulnerability just doesn’t happen.  And those juicy/important/difficult/vulnerable questions about sex or any difficult topic are less likely to happen.

So, during this last year of lockdown, social isolation, social awkwardness I took the opportunity to truly explore the topic of intimacy and vulnerability in my own nuclear family.  My life became so simplified.  Our family’s life became simplified.  All of a sudden Dr Bonnie, (whom we call Queen Moss … that’s a whole other story ), told us to stay home.  So we did.  Although it was incredibly hard to not be around the other people we loved so much, we decided to make the most out of this situation.  No distractions, no easy outs (couldn’t just meet up with friends anymore to get away from difficult feelings; couldn’t even go skiing … ahhhh!!! - and it appears can’t go skiing again …. double whammy!!!).  It kind of felt a bit apocalyptic and continues to do so.  We figured though, we might as well try our best to make the apocalypse pleasant.  I started to explore and analyze more richly the concepts of intimacy, trust and vulnerability within my own family.  I have to admit, it was a bit of a bumpy ride, but I took a risk … I decided to explore my issues of trust and become more vulnerable with my partner and tried on many hats of physiological calm during 4 year old tantrums.  First though, I define a few key terms.

According to Dr. Dennis M Dailey, Professor Emeritus at University of Kansas who developed the Circles of Sexuality model defines intimacy as the experience of mutual closeness with another person and includes acts of caring, sharing, loving/liking, vulnerability, self disclosure, trust, risk taking and reciprocity.  John Gottman, PhD, has studied the key elements needed in happy intimate relationships including child-parent relationships and grown-up relationships.  See the following video link if you’d like to learn more (Watch John Gottman’s Ted Talks on Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uazFBCDvVw)  I am a science geek, so his research is so interesting to me and that it can actually be put in a mathematical equation just jives with my analytical mind.  Gottman has found that a happy love relationship = mutual trust + commitment + physiological calm.  I discuss more below how I implemented his equation into my love relationship with my partner, child and as a family as a whole.  But first I needed to understand what it means to be vulnerable, committed and ways of implementing physiological calm into my life, within my nuclear family, particularly now that many of the ways I achieve physiological calm are closed!!!

Mutual Trust is defined by Gottman as both partners maximizing benefits for both people, and trust is built in very small moments, one moment at a time.  Trust is demonstrated through caring behaviours built over time.  In our family that is a balancing act of taking full parental load for a day so that the other parent can spend time in the mountains to find that physiological calm.  It also means doing what you can to keep the house clean and maintained (seems still incredibly impossible, but we both try our best).  The balancing act can feel incredibly stressful as we have very little time to rest.  However, we both feel that we both are maximizing our benefits for both of us:  both of us work outside of the house about the equal amount of time, both of us take care of our child about 2-3 days a week and benefiting from connecting with our little one, and we each get about a day of free time each week to do what we need to stay sane.  Anytime leftover, we talk to each other, discuss things, sometimes argue over clashes in opinions.  However, we both agree that overtime we both feel that we are cared for and when we are not, we open up about our concerns.  Though, opening up is not easy, as some (many?) of you reading this might agree.

Brene Brown (2012) author of Daring Greatly, and social scientist who has studied vulnerability and shame for decades, defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  Brene Brown’s definition so encapsulates the degree of trust required to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability requires caregivers and partners to acknowledge and demonstrate caring behaviours, even when (actually especially when) what they are hearing may not feel so great.  Any defensive and shaming response simply kicks open the stress response and the child or partner will either flee, fight or freeze, and the moment of true sharing will all but disappear.  As we all know, it is not always easy to acknowledge our loved ones’ feelings and demonstrate caring behaviour when vulnerability can feel like an attack.  During this last year, I have taken the risk to be honest with my partner about myself, about him and about our family; and he has done the same.  Some things have been hard to swallow and can feel like an attack.  I’ve learned to accept that sharing feelings may result in defensiveness, which is quite normal.  I’ve also learned to hold space for this reaction and when things are calm to share ways in which I can be better supported.  My partner and I have been working on the delivery of sharing our stories and we’ve realized and learned that we are totally committed in this journey of ours.  We are actually getting along better than we ever have and can discuss things more smoothly.

Moreover, when one is committed in a relationship, such as caregivers/parents, the broken moment will be worth fixing, although it can feel like climbing a very hard mountain.  Lisa Lund, A Certified Gottman Therapist defined commitment as “taking your partner with you wherever you go” (Brittle, 2015).  This of course is a metaphor, but during Covid times it actually is kinda true, because the folks you have committed to living in the same household are the people we all are socializing the most with at the moment.  I have noticed that when I become more vulnerable with my partner and offer ways of being with me that make me feel cared for I have developed greater trust in my partner and surprisingly even with the world. 

 So during quarantine and beyond I have tried to practice Gottman’s scientific equation around a loving relationship with my family.  I’ve been trying to remain vulnerable and create space for my family to be vulnerable with me.  It’s not been easy with all the stresses of facing Covid-19 in one of the busiest Emergency Departments in Canada, and trying to stay calm at work and at home.  Some of the key elements that I try to remember before entering my home is our family commitment to create a safe space at home.  Before my exploration of intimacy, I thought this meant trying to suppress anger at home to allow for happier and calmer feelings to exist.  But this really doesn’t work for me.  So before I could move forward with Guttman’s theory around love and physiological calm, I had to sit down honestly with myself and think about all the things that were causing me to feel angry, frustrated, physiologically aroused, and fearfull.  This process, by the way started long before the quarantine, but there were a few more truths about myself I had to explore to get beyond the anger.  This is not an easy process.  This often takes years and often with best results when done in collaboration with safe supports around (clinical counsellors, supportive relationships, self care … a lot of self care).  However it is so worth it! 

 Well I realized that I hold a lot of anger about the unfairness in our society; about the Me Too Movement … that so many folks have suffered sexualized trauma (including myself) and there still isn’t enough resources out there (FYI – there is a statistical association between a history of sexual assault and mental health disorders/illness [Chen et al, 2010); about having to face Covid-19 in my work and the uncertainty of it all; about the polarization that exists in our society about so many topics, including Covid.  I also hold anger about some relationships that I grew up in, some family members, some old friends.  I learned though over the years that it is OKAY TO BE ANGRY!!!  It’s totally fine.  It’s a normal emotion.  It’s an important emotion because it tells us that something is wrong and something has to change.  The only person that I can change is me.  I can’t change how others feel, or how they express their emotions.  I can’t change the current events, regarding Covid, regarding the Me Too movement.  But I can change how I react to things.  I can find a way to physiologically calm myself down (some people call this grounding or deep breathing or taking a moment away from a situation).  I also realized that to create change around me, I have to change things about me that I want others to be. 

Hence this brings me to the definition of physiological calm.  I want others around me to be more calm, so that means I have to be more calm.  Oh gosh!! That’s not super easy for me, particularly when the only place I can do yoga is in my sometimes messy home, which then makes me feel furious; or when calming myself down during a 4 year old tantrum is not easy, when all you want to do is find a magical ferry to help your kid calm down; or when all I can think of during my day off to myself is all the things I have to do.  How the f*#k can I calm myself down!!! 

Well I did some exploring.  It was essential now, because we had nobody that could help us!!!  It was too dangerous to get a babysitter, and quite frankly it also just felt culturally inappropriate at this time.  To be honest I didn’t have to go that far.  I had it in me.  As an emergency nurse I have to stay calm during storm after storm.  I have taken care of grown ups who are experiencing a mental health emergency.  Of course things are easier at work as I do hold more power just being a nurse, and we have a much bigger team!  My team at home is quite small … me and my hubby.  So I realized I needed to keep calm and find ways to release anxiety and anger in healthy and safe ways.  What works for me doesn’t necessarily work for my kid, nor my partner and may not work for you.  However, one practice I recommend so highly is talk.  Talk to somebody, anybody.  The best people to talk to are those that you trust, somebody that makes you feel good about yourself, somebody who listens and pays attention to you, and somebody you like.  I’m lucky because one of those people is my husband.  However, a clinical counsellor has also been important in my life.  Nobody gives you undivided attention and better advise than a paid professional.  There are so many clinical counsellors, psychotherapists and psychologists in the Sea to Sky Corridor.  If you’re not sure where to start, send me an email, I’d be happy to direct you.

I’m not going to list all the ways that can help achieve physiological calm (or decrease anxiety, prevent depression, whatever words work), but I will share a couple of resources that I felt to be so helpful and so simple.  The first resource I found to be important is for self care that I heard on CBC radio’s The Current (Galloway, 2021) about finding ways to cope in a pandemic winter.  Angie Elliot speaks of a simple strategy created by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health called the four S’: Shower, Stretch, Sunlight and Something Specific to do each and every day.  It might be hard to get sunlight here on the Coast but getting outside has so many benefits. 

The second resource I found is particularly helpful for co-parents/caregivers, but important for all folks: it is finding ways to leave a room when emotions get high.  This prevents the stress response from taking over and leads to a calmer environment which everybody benefits from.  The Gottman Institute blogs about practicing self-soothing behaviours (Lisitsa, 2013).  You can go to this link to learn more about it: https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-practice-self-soothing/  Lastly, as mentioned before if I want more calm in my family, I must model calm in my family. In the model imperative , childhood development researchers Mendizza & Pearch (2003), explain that children develop only those capacities that are modelled by the adult culture.  “A child may be very musical, innately, but as with any potential capacity, music must be modeled before it can be developed.  The model imperative holds throughout life.  As any parent or educator can testify, children become who we are, not what we tell them to be” (Mendizza & Pearch, 2003, p. 25).  In the last year, I have found a transformation in myself by really focusing on ways to keep my calm at work, and particularly at home.  Interestingly modelling such behaviour really does motivate and our home does feel calm lately.

So how does this relate to sex and sexuality again.  All discussions about sexuality must start with intimacy.  Intimacy is the way that we share ourselves with others.  With our children this means modelling love relationships with those around us by exhibiting mutual trust, commitment to love and physiological calm.  One of the topics I teach in schools is about healthy relationships.  To be honest, I can’t teach healthy relationships to children in 1 hour, but I can model healthy relationships in that hour.  That’s what I do.  I feel it is our responsibility to model love and healthy relationships to children in our lives at home, in the schools, at work. Never so have we needed to step up for the children and youth in our lives as this year during the pandemic.  I have seen in the emergency departments (I work in a few different ones) youth mental health collapsing.  Often youth and children just need somebody to connect with and to feel safe with to talk about their fears.  I acknowledge that mental health is so much more complex than just connecting and talking, however it does help.  I also acknowledge that my story is one that is different from so many: that many children and youth do not feel safe in their homes or with their caregivers; I acknowledge that a parent or caregiver does not feel safe in their home right now.  I acknowledge that getting through the pandemic is very hard for some people as they are just trying to survive as income loss is huge.  I acknowledge that there are social inequities in this world that create a need to survive and a fear to connect that is real and true and goes back centuries.  I acknowledge that I am a white woman with privilege and this story is one of privilege.  I will do my best to use my privilege in influencing my white child to do better. 

I leave you with a conversation I had with my child a few months ago.  Just like all parents and caregiver I am learning how to be more approachable to my own son … he even asked me about sex … ahhhhh.  The conversation went something like this:

-        Child: mom how was this truck made (he was playing with a plastic construction truck)?

-        Me: it’s made of plastic.  The plastic on your truck was sourced from recyclables, melted then molded into that truck.

-        Child: how was I made?

-        Me: (pause … thinking … how do I answer this?  Hmmmm ….  Okay I’ve got this.  Well remember that book we read about how you were made (What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg).  The sperm meets the egg and you started to grow.

-        Child:  well how did the sperm meet the egg?

-        Me: (oh no … I didn’t know 4 year olds ask this … ok I’m a sexual health educator … I’ve got this … here goes nothing).  Well the sperm travels down a tube and squirts into another tube and makes its way to meet the egg. 

-        Child:  Oh yeah … the sperm travels out of my feet and squirts into a vagina to meet the egg.

-        Me: yes, something like that (Note: my child didn’t ask to know more, so I didn’t explain more.  I kept this conversation as simple as possible.  When he asks more about it, which he hasn’t since that conversation, I will answer his questions)

-        Child: mama, I want to have a baby with you.

-        Me: one day you will find somebody just like your mama to have a baby with, if you choose to.  but making babies is for grownups.

Ok full disclosure … my kid is 4 ½ years old.  Kids at this age just love being around their parents.  They yearn for connection.  I know that our relationship will change when adolescence approaches.  However, the sooner that we create a loving relationship with our kids (love = mutual trust, commitment and physiological calm), the easier it will be to continue those relationships as they grow, and the more likely we, the caregivers, will be the person kids go to when they have vulnerable questions.  Quite frankly, I always want my child to come to me first when he has questions about sex and his sexuality, even when my answers may not be perfect.

As a Registered Nurse, it is my duty to refer folks to the services they need.  If you are reading this and realize that you need some help, whether it’s with income, intimate partner violence, dealing with past traumas, anything, please do reach out.  Call 8-1-1 to discuss your options on the Nurses Line.  Connect with Howe Sound Women’s Centre or Sea to Sky Community Services for assistance in any of these matters. If you are in real danger, call 9-1-1 now.

 I am offering an Approachable Adult workshop series this spring. 

April 18 and April 28 the focus will be on being an Approachable Adult for preschoolers and kinders and will take place from 10 am to 1 pm.

May 16 and May 26 the focus will be on being an Approachable Adult for kids entering into or experiencing puberty and will take place from 10am to 1pm.

June 6 and June 9 the focus will be on being an Approachable Adult for teens and youth and will take place from 10am to 1pm. 

Feel free to visit my website at www.sacredlearningspace.ca to learn more about my offerings.  Email me at mary@sacredlearningspace.ca to register.  Fee for registration is on a sliding scale of $15-$45 each session.  This is open to all income levels, please do email me for options.  All sessions will be offered on Zoom with a maximum of 15 participants.

I do hope that you take a moment to yourself today and ponder on the great person that you are.  No matter what you might be going through.  As the Tibetans say: “I do acknowledge the greatness within you.” “Tashi Deley.”

References

Brittle, Z. (2015, July 30). Commitment. The Gottman Institute.  https://www.gottman.com/blog.com.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery:

Chen, L.P., Murad, M.H., Paras, M.L., Colbenson, K.M., Goranson, E.N., Mohamed, B.E. … Zirakzadeh, A. (2010). Sexual abuse and lifetime diagnosis of psychiatric disorders: systematic review and meta-analysis. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 85(7), 618-629.

Galloway, M. (Host). (2021, January 15 Episode Transcript). Finding ways to cope in pandemic winter. CBC Radio: The Current. Retrieved from https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-jan-15-2021-1.5873742/january-15-2020-episode-transcript-1.5875872

Gottman, J.M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.: New York.

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 24). How to practice self-soothing. The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach to Relationships. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-practice-self-soothing/.

Mendizza, M. & Pearce, J.C. (2003). Magical Parent, Magical Child: The Art of Joyful Parenting. North Atlantic Books: Berkely, California.